The intertubes home of author Robert Lanham

I've got a new piece up at Gavin McInne's latest site SBTVC. Here's a taste:

For starters, you may want to avoid referring to a woman’s elbows and knees as “hinges,” as the authors do in number 11. And while I’m on the subject, how in God’s name could anyone think number 15 is a good idea:

“Season her belly with a little salt, and then slowly lick it off.”

Salt? WTF? You had two authors and presumably and editor working on this thing. None one of you found the idea of turning your partner into a human salt lick fucking retarded odd?

And these two examples don’t even qualify as the most perplexing tips on the list. In fact, when I got to sex tip number 20, I had to double-check the address bar on my browser to make sure I wasn’t reading The Onion:

20. Blindfold Yourself
Many women who are insecure about their bodies stick to the missionary position because you can’t see their bodies that way. If you really can’t see her because your eyes are covered, she’ll do a lot more with you, to you, and for you.

Um. No. Even if she isn’t insecure about her body, she’s going to be if she thinks you need a blindfold to fuck her. Why not just throw a bag over her head and tape some pornography to the spot where her face used to be? If you blindfold yourself she’s going to think you’re repulsed by the sight of her. So let me repeat: DON’T DO THIS.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 07:04 PM | Permalink

[image via]

Not sure how I feel about that, but The Assimilated Negro asked me to comment on the hipster casting call that I posted about earlier this week. From Gawker

Let's assume this thing isn't a hoax or an art project by a recent Oberlin grad who thinks he's bohemian because he found bedbugs in his beard.

Do you tap the family trust fund? Do you idolize Dan Deacon? Are you SO not worried about getting swine flu 'cause that shit only happens to poor people?

They're not looking for hipsters. They're looking for entitled idiots. And wait, before you say it, I'm well aware. The terms ‘hipster' and ‘entitled idiot' have been synonyms for close to a decade now. But come on, isn't hipster rage about as tired as PBR and trucker caps? Of course there are plenty of ridiculous, pretentious idiots in Williamsburg-and New York as a whole for that matter. But would you rather be living in a stripmall in the exurbs of Richmond where alt culture consists of seeing The String Cheese Incident perform on Friday at that state-run amphitheater next to Applebees? (I'm from VA, so I can make fun). Personally, I'd rather be in a place like Williamsburg where people appreciate film, music, and fashion, even if I do have to put up with people named Unicornicopia and the neighborhood's other goofy excesses.

I hope the hipsterhood reality series is for real. That way we can pin all our hipster rage on a handful of dipshits and begin recognizing the difference between artists, people who are cool, and entitled morons. We clearly need a few sacrificial lambs and anyone who would answer that casting call is a perfect fit.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 11:10 PM | Permalink

Evidently, there's a Cherohonkee fashion spread in Italian Vogue this month. WTF? More here.

And even more exciting, Nicole Richie’s “House Of Harlow” jewelry line is deemed 'Cherohonkee Chic.' Hilarious. Images after the jump.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 05:29 PM | Permalink