The intertubes home of author Robert Lanham

I recently went fishing with Dean Ween which was, well, awesome. From Vice:

Since getting his captain’s license last summer, Mickey Melchiondo, better known as Dean Ween, has been leading fishing tours off Long Beach Island, New Jersey. He’s the kind of skipper who also kindly gives shelter to anglers when there’s room in his trailer the night before and books it all himself through the magic of a lo-fi internet information page, mickeysfishing.com.

Mickey also has his own online fishing series called the Brownie Troop Fishing Show that’s kind of like that old Fishing With John series hosted by actor and musician John Lurie, but without the irony. The Deaner is dead fucking serious about fishing.

“Lurie’s show was more about the guests,” Mickey told me. “Mine is about the fishing.”

So far Mickey’s posted 11 episodes on brownietroopfs.com, a site that also looks like a 16-year-old designed it in 1996. Go there to watch guests like Butthole Surfers’ own Gibby Haynes get blind drunk and say stuff like “I dunno where the fuckin’ stern is.”

Like the rest of the world, I’ve been a fan of Ween since the early 90s, so of course I had to sign up for a Mickey-helmed fishing trip. As a committed landlubber with wobbly sea legs, I was plenty OK when Mickey called and said he’d prefer to surfcast. He had just returned from tour and finds it more relaxing. But at $300 a whirl, you might want to consider making him hoist the anchor instead.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 07:39 PM | Permalink

Please, make Lieberman go away. I've got a new one up on Huffington Post satirizing the whole debacle.

Just hours after the nominations for the 67th annual Golden Globe Awards were announced, Senator Joe Lieberman of Connecticut threatened to filibuster the ceremony should key concessions fail to be met.

"Unless Vince Vaughn gets a nod for his excellent work in Couples Retreat," said Lieberman, "I just cannot support the nominations. Sure, the American people love George Clooney and he was great in Up in the Air," continued Lieberman. "But if Vaughn is overlooked in the Best Actor category, I will have no choice but to filibuster."

Posted by Robert Lanham at 09:14 PM | Permalink

I've got a new piece over at The Huffington Post. Here's a taste:

Determined to avoid mistakes made by previous administrations, Obama announced on Friday that he'd let Congress be responsible for the language used on the White House's annual holiday card.

"War on Christmas reform is one of the most important issues facing our nation today," said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "Should the president send out a card that says 'Merry Christmas?' Should it say 'Happy Holidays?' Does using an image of Frosty the Snowman on the cover become more inclusive if Frosty's wearing a colorful Kwanzaa vest and lighting a Menorah? These are all important questions for Congress to consider," said Gibbs. [...]

Though the war on Christmas debate is far-reaching, the public's attention has culminated around the White House card controversy. Fox News commentator Glenn Beck alleged that Obama is "passing the buck" about the card for religious reasons

"Wake up people, he's a Muslim," said Beck on Fox News, adorned in a hand-knit sweater with a large Santa stitched into its front (pictured).

"I don't even know if they have Christmas in Kenya," said Beck. "If Obama had his way, the White House card would read 'Happy Ramadan' and feature a picture of Santa driving a sleigh strapped with explosives."

Posted by Robert Lanham at 10:09 PM | Permalink

I just wrote a snarky little listicle for Vice:

To be released by Criterion is the benchmark of excellence. Their 25-year-old catalog includes indispensable work from masters including Cocteau, Renoir, Maysles, Kubrick, Cronenberg, Godard, Kurosawa, Bergman, Tarkovsky, Hitchcock, Sturges, and, of course, Fellini.

It’s an impressive list of talent, which is why you can imagine my surprise when I arrived at the director responsible for film #40 in their catalog. Michael Bay. That’s right, Michael Bay, the dung beetle of cinematic vapidity, best known for his unparalleled skill at rolling oversized balls of shit into our nation’s cineplexes. If you’re not familiar with his work--is this possible?--Bay is responsible for Bad Boys I & II, Pearl Harbor, and Transformers, not to mention the career of Megan Fox. (She hates him too). Currently, Bay is remaking The Birds, which I’m assuming will be re-imagined to include a bikini-clad Maxim covergirl who blows away blood-sucking zombie pigeons with a grenade launcher.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 10:28 PM | Permalink

I'm in a great new anthology called Cassette from My Ex that's slotted for release October 27th. Here's the scoop:

Cassette from My Ex: Stories and Soundtracks of Lost Loves shares sixty hilarious, nostalgic and heartbreaking stories stories all about crushes and mixtapes. CFME compiles stories from some amazing writers and musicians: author Rick Moody, The Magnetic Fields’ Claudia Gonson, This American LIfe’s Starlee Kine, The New Yorker’s Ben Greenman, Blender Magazine’s Joe Levy, Improv Everywhere’s Charlie Todd, Mortified’s David Nadelberg—even a new story from the godfather of the genre, Rob Sheffied. We put a ton of love into the design, too, with 224 full-color pages designed by noted cassetteophile Lissi Erwin, with cover illustrations by the excellent Hope Gangloff.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 01:40 AM | Permalink

I've got a new piece over at The Huffington Post. The jokes write themselves with these crazy rightwingers:

While appearing on the Rachel Maddow Show last night in the recurring segment "It's Pat," MSNBC pundit Pat Buchanan accused the Lesbian Coalition of America (LCA) of discriminating against him.

"I'm as qualified as anyone to head this organization, and for them to not consider my nomination to head the executive board is reverse discrimination against white males," said Buchanan.

Buchanan was nominated by the group's senior board member, Alexandra Tillman, who suffers from dementia and assumed Buchanan was a lesbian after seeing him several times on Maddow's show. The nomination was quickly blocked by a majority vote.

Buchanan was outraged by the rejection. "No one is more qualified to head this lesbian group than me. I'd enliven the LCA and help them move in a new direction," wrote Buchanan in the New Republic.

He talked about the LCA's decision with Maddow on MSNBC last night.

"I've long felt kinship with the lesbian community," Buchanon told Maddow. "Why do you think I'm always on your show, Rachel? I pride myself in being a bit of a hag."

Continue reading "Pat Buchanan Says "Lesbian Coalition of America Discriminates Against White Males"" »

Posted by Robert Lanham at 01:51 AM | Permalink

I have a new piece over at HuffPost. Here's a taste:

In what many have perceived as a reversal, president Obama upheld the controversial "don't ask, don't tell" policy by refusing to state his opinion of the film "Bruno." The President, who attended a screening in Dupont Circle on Saturday night, was asked his opinion of the film this morning by former presidential correspondent and current member of the White House Press Corps Helen Thomas.

"Don't ask me that, Helen," stated an uncharacteristically flustered Obama. "Look, I'm committed to opening up the dialogue about this and, yes, changing my current policy, but now is not the time to address this." [...]

Many activists contend that given the success of "Bruno," the time is now for the president to speak out in support of non-traditional films such as the ones made by Cohen.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 01:16 AM | Permalink

I just posted a piece on Palin's insane resignation speech over at the Huffington Post. Here a taste

Responding to criticism that many were confused by her resignation speech on Friday, Governor Palin issued another press conference today to explain her reasons in "plain English" and without the use of sports and/or fish metaphors.

"When I last spoke about the issues at hand here on Friday," stated Palin, "I was addressing hardworking, average Americans who understand what it means to be a leader. Average Americans also understand sports metaphors and the direction a dead fish will move when in a particular body of water that has a current." [...]

Critics say that today's press conference was even more confusing than the one held on Friday, further muddling the governor's reasons for departure. Still, Palin did manage to shed some light on her ability to make an eight-minute speech without taking a breath.

"They don't call me the Barracuda just because I'm tough," she told reporters referring to her uncanny ability to forgo breathing.

"Sometimes, I prefer making speeches without breathing at all. I'm an avid runner and depriving my brain of oxygen sorta feels like having a runner's high. Plus, I know the First Dude will catch me should I get too dizzy. He's a deacon at our family's Pentecostal church and has lots of practice catching fainters who have had demons exorcised."

Most scientists say that when the brain is deprived of oxygen it can no longer function properly, and that this could explain the governor's inability to communicate clearly. But fervent Palin supporter, Dick Kristal, contends that the brain can operate just fine without oxygen.

"Excess carbon emissions cause global warming, too little oxygen can cause decreased brain activity, blah blah blah blah blah," said a visibly agitated Kristal. "These are clearly just theories, pseudo science promoted by liberals."

Posted by Robert Lanham at 04:23 PM | Permalink

I've got a new piece over at The Morning News. I'd sworn off writing about hipsters, but got sucked back in by all the rage they still evoke. Here's a taste.

You get the sense that if Jimi Hendrix were to show up in Echo Park today, he’d be publicly mocked in a style section piece on blipsters for wearing a feathered fedora. Duchamp would have given up as soon as he appeared on dadaist-or-douchebag.com. And Warhol would be demonized as a hipster gentrifier for setting up his factory in a Brooklyn warehouse. Critics continue to complain that we live in an era where all art is derivative and devoid of substance. But if Hendrix, Duchamp, or Warhol were alive today, we’d be doing our damnedest to derail their self-expression, dismissing them as fucking hipsters.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 03:41 AM | Permalink

I've got a new piece up at Gavin McInne's latest site SBTVC. Here's a taste:

For starters, you may want to avoid referring to a woman’s elbows and knees as “hinges,” as the authors do in number 11. And while I’m on the subject, how in God’s name could anyone think number 15 is a good idea:

“Season her belly with a little salt, and then slowly lick it off.”

Salt? WTF? You had two authors and presumably and editor working on this thing. None one of you found the idea of turning your partner into a human salt lick fucking retarded odd?

And these two examples don’t even qualify as the most perplexing tips on the list. In fact, when I got to sex tip number 20, I had to double-check the address bar on my browser to make sure I wasn’t reading The Onion:

20. Blindfold Yourself
Many women who are insecure about their bodies stick to the missionary position because you can’t see their bodies that way. If you really can’t see her because your eyes are covered, she’ll do a lot more with you, to you, and for you.

Um. No. Even if she isn’t insecure about her body, she’s going to be if she thinks you need a blindfold to fuck her. Why not just throw a bag over her head and tape some pornography to the spot where her face used to be? If you blindfold yourself she’s going to think you’re repulsed by the sight of her. So let me repeat: DON’T DO THIS.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 07:04 PM | Permalink

[image via]

Not sure how I feel about that, but The Assimilated Negro asked me to comment on the hipster casting call that I posted about earlier this week. From Gawker

Let's assume this thing isn't a hoax or an art project by a recent Oberlin grad who thinks he's bohemian because he found bedbugs in his beard.

Do you tap the family trust fund? Do you idolize Dan Deacon? Are you SO not worried about getting swine flu 'cause that shit only happens to poor people?

They're not looking for hipsters. They're looking for entitled idiots. And wait, before you say it, I'm well aware. The terms ‘hipster' and ‘entitled idiot' have been synonyms for close to a decade now. But come on, isn't hipster rage about as tired as PBR and trucker caps? Of course there are plenty of ridiculous, pretentious idiots in Williamsburg-and New York as a whole for that matter. But would you rather be living in a stripmall in the exurbs of Richmond where alt culture consists of seeing The String Cheese Incident perform on Friday at that state-run amphitheater next to Applebees? (I'm from VA, so I can make fun). Personally, I'd rather be in a place like Williamsburg where people appreciate film, music, and fashion, even if I do have to put up with people named Unicornicopia and the neighborhood's other goofy excesses.

I hope the hipsterhood reality series is for real. That way we can pin all our hipster rage on a handful of dipshits and begin recognizing the difference between artists, people who are cool, and entitled morons. We clearly need a few sacrificial lambs and anyone who would answer that casting call is a perfect fit.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 11:10 PM | Permalink

I have a new piece over at McSweeney's. HFACTDEWARIUCSMNUWKIASLAMB! Here's a taste:

Course Description

As print takes its place alongside smoke signals, cuneiform, and hollering, there has emerged a new literary age, one in which writers no longer need to feel encumbered by the paper cuts, reading, and excessive use of words traditionally associated with the writing trade. Writing for Nonreaders in the Postprint Era focuses on the creation of short-form prose that is not intended to be reproduced on pulp fibers.

Instant messaging. Twittering. Facebook updates. These 21st-century literary genres are defining a new "Lost Generation" of minimalists who would much rather watch Lost on their iPhones than toil over long-winded articles and short stories. Students will acquire the tools needed to make their tweets glimmer with a complete lack of forethought, their Facebook updates ring with self-importance, and their blog entries shimmer with literary pithiness. All without the restraints of writing in complete sentences. w00t! w00t! Throughout the course, a further paring down of the Hemingway/Stein school of minimalism will be emphasized, limiting the superfluous use of nouns, verbs, adverbs, adjectives, conjunctions, gerunds, and other literary pitfalls.

Prerequisites

Students must have completed at least two of the following.

ENG: 232WR—Advanced Tweeting: The Elements of Droll
LIT: 223—Early-21st-Century Literature: 140 Characters or Less
ENG: 301—Advanced Blog and Book Skimming
ENG: 231WR—Facebook Wall Alliteration and Assonance
LIT: 202—The Literary Merits of Lolcats
LIT: 209—Internet-Age Surrealistic Narcissism and Self-Absorption

[..]

Week 6:
140 Characters or Less

Students will acquire the tools needed to make their tweets come alive with shallow wit. They'll learn how to construct Facebook status updates that glitter with irony, absurdity, and dramatic glibness. When tweeting, for instance, that "John is enjoying a buttery English muffin," why not add a link to an image of a muffin with butter oozing from its nooks and crannies? Or why not exaggerate a tad and say that there's bacon on that muffin, even if there's not? It's called poetic license when writers do it! Students will be encouraged to show honesty and vulnerability in their tweets: "Lydia is lounging about in her underwear at 401 Park Street apartment #2, feeling guilty about telling her boss that her uncle died but enjoying the day off." There's no such thing as oversharing when you're a writer.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 10:14 PM | Permalink

I'm "giving the recession the finger" over at Salon:

As I was lying beneath a lustrous sun last week, with a top-shelf daiquiri in my hand, at a luxury resort that I couldn't afford in good economic times, I thought to myself: So what if we're on the brink of the next Great Depression? This was a good decision. [...]

There'd be plenty of time for boiling raccoon bones into soup broth, I rationalized, should a full-fledged depression hit, but for now I was going to enjoy my drink and watch the azure waves crest into gold. I was on a beach in the lovely town of Tulum, Mexico. And I was relaxed. This was my "last hurrah" vacation. [...]

"I call it the 'fuck-it phenomenon,'" said Matt Wallaert, a social psychologist with the financial advice site Thrive. "Everywhere you go the media tells you that things aren't going to get better any time soon," he said. "But if you feel like life has dealt you a bad hand, it's easy to say, 'Fuck it, I deserve this.'"

Posted by Robert Lanham at 03:49 PM | Permalink

Grizzly Bear has been one of my favorite indie bands ever since their debut, Horn of Plenty. Plus, they're my neighbors. Not literally, but they all live within a mile. I did a quick interview with Ed Droste over at FREEwilliamsburg. Check it out.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 05:40 PM | Permalink

I've got a new featured article over at The Huffington Post.

"With all due respect to the president, he shouldn't have his arms and feet blocking the aisle," said Boehner, who sustained minor injuries. "Everyone knows he's lanky."

"If you ask me," Boehner continued, "this liberal concept of reaching across the aisle is dangerous. We need to keep those aisles clear. What if there was a fire and people needed a clear passage to the exits? We need to refocus our energies on tax cuts, not liberal spending and aisle-reaching."

Posted by Robert Lanham at 08:38 PM | Permalink

As I alluded to in the previous post, Salon posted a cover story last weekend by yours truly called "The random beauty of '25 Random Things'" (2-7-09). Here a taste:

I was in the middle of typing up my "25 Random Things About Me" list on Facebook when a funny thing happened. I hit clear and decided to abandon the whole time-wasting endeavor. I'd made it through what I intended to be my sole entry before coming to my senses:

1. I like certain books and films and things that taste good. Also, kittens. Thanks for including me in this important social experiment. Now, please stop tagging me.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 03:54 PM | Permalink

Not that anyone is going to make it past the bikinis, but I have a feature in the new Maxim (February 2009).

Here's the link to the magazine, and here are the jpgs:
View image 1 | View image 2. Update: looks like it's online now.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 02:25 AM | Permalink

A little ditty by me about "The City" over at FREEwilliamsburg.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 04:17 PM | Permalink

Here's a taste:

Rick Warren routinely claims to not be a part of the Evangelical Right when speaking to secular elitists at the New York Times, but he's playing both sides of the fence. Warren has gone on record calming that he's "firmly a cultural conservative." He also believes opposing abortion, gay rights, stem cell research, human cloning, and euthanasia are "non-negotiable" and "not even debatable" for people of values. He called the Terry Schiavo debacle "an atrocity worthy of Nazism" and according to ABC news, compared gay intimacy to sex with a horse. Prior to the 2004 election, Warren set-up voter registration booths on Saddleback's church patio. Most tellingly, he sent letters to 150,000 pastors insisting they encourage their congregations to vote for Bush.

In light of the passing of Proposition 8--an issue Obama has yet to show leadership on--choosing Warren for the invocation is a slap in the face to homosexuals and Obama's liberal base. As PFAW points out, Warren has "compared marriage by loving and committed same-sex couples to incest and pedophilia." Sorry Rick, giving donuts to Prop 8 protestors doesn't make your positions any more palatable.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 10:39 PM | Permalink

I'm sounding off on Proposition 8 over at Huffington Post. Here's a taste:

Now that we've all recovered from the jubilation of last week's victory, is it too soon to launch a couple of sober criticisms at our president elect? I did my part to ensure victory, after all. I sent my campaign check. I wept tears of joy into my beer, a Sixpoint "Hop Obama" Ale no less, while watching the acceptance speech. I cheered like a star-stricken tween at the sight of Axelrod....

It shouldn't come as a surprise that Californians voted to overturn same-sex marriage. But it is disheartening that they're getting all the blame. After all, by collectively rubber-stamping the Obama campaign's "politically safe" pro-civil unions stance, democrats were inadvertent enablers.

Consider, for example how unfriendly the Obama camp was to same-sex couples during the Biden/Palin debate:

GWEN IFILL: Let's try to avoid nuance, Senator. Do you support gay marriage?
BIDEN: No. Barack Obama nor I support redefining from a civil side what constitutes marriage.....
PALIN: Your question to him was whether he supported gay marriage and my answer is the same as his and it is that I do not.
IFILL: Wonderful. You agree. On that note, let's move to foreign policy.

I don't remember if Palin winked for effect, but I'm assuming she didn't. She'd already knocked it out of the park. This could have been the "gotcha moment" the drooling, caddish pundits had so eagerly awaited. But since America long ago concluded that no candidate in his/her right mind could ever confess to supporting gay marriage, it failed to deliver. Instead, the "gotcha" intended for Biden came at the expense of same-sex couples striving for what the Constitution promises: equal rights.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 08:55 PM | Permalink

I have a new essay on Sarah Palin over at Radar. Here's a sample:

"Sarah Palin has made the biggest step forward in feminism since Madonna," Camille Paglia wrote in a recent Salon column..... "Palin represent[s] an explosion of a brand new style of muscular American feminism."

In Palin's case "muscular feminism" is really quite literal. Our potential president-in-waiting is a chaste dominatrix who wants to bully her way into your private life and declare control of your uterus. She may not be able to talk the "first dude" into trimming his nasty pubic-hair goatee, but she knows how to skin a caribou. She played basketball in high school. And who cares if she's opposed to a woman's right to choose? She can tear the still-beating heart of a moose from its chest, all without breaking a nail.

As Palin demonstrates, muscular feminism isn't about progressiveness, equality, or integrity. It's about proving you can talk tough, just like the boys, even if what you're saying is totally retarded. If she were a man, we'd call her a meathead. A bully. She wouldn't be a hockey mom, she'd be a dumb jock. But who cares about the issues? Let's just watch her flex.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 04:04 PM | Permalink

I have a new article on the Millennials over at Radar.

Millennials are younger. Healthier. They got to do anal in high school. They think updating a spreadsheet while posting to a Twitter account about gossip on perezhilton.com is an essential corporate skill.... An egregious example of generational bias lies in Gen X's stigma as the "MTV Generation," a title that was always intended as a pejorative. … Ironically, when applied to the Millennials, who are similarly affected by the Internet, possessing a short attention span becomes an accolade. They just call it multitasking.

Posted by Robert Lanham at 04:16 PM | Permalink

I just turned in a piece for a new anthology that will be edited by Sean Manning, Rock & Roll Cage Match (Three Rivers Press, August 5, 2008). I chose the Sabbath vs Zeppelin "rivalry." Sabbath won, of course. The book looks like it will be a lot of fun. Here's a few "rivalries" that will be included:

Elton John vs. Billy Joel (by The Harvard Lampoon)
Hall & Oates vs. Simon & Garfunkel (by Michael Showalter)
"Berlin" Bowie vs. "Ziggy Stardust" Bowie (by Anthony Bozza)
Guided By Voices vs. Pavement (by Elizabeth Goodman)
The Smiths vs. The Cure (by Marc Spitz)
Parliament vs. Funkadelic (by Ben Greenman)
Patsy Cline vs. Kitty Wells (by Laura Cantrell)
The Rolling Stones vs. The Velvet Underground (by Richard Hell)

See the cover, after the jump.

Continue reading "Rock & Roll Cagematch: Music's Greatest Rivalries, Decided" »

Posted by Robert Lanham at 06:02 PM | Permalink